Churchill Downs to Add Race on Derby Day

In an unprecedented move The Kentucky Derby Corporation has announced an addition to this year’s May 5th program: a quarter mile event featuring the Republican candidates for President of the United States.
The idea came about when one of the Derby stewards noticed that candidates “run” for office. Why not see who is actually the most fleet of foot on turf rather than in mouth? He actually meant “of mouth” as in who is the fastest talker but even stewards can make slips of the tongue, not just candidates.
So far two stable owners (or is that unstable owners since the candidates are not really stabled themselves), Sheldon Adelson and Foster Freiss, like the idea and have begun training their candidates in preparation for the big day. They embrace the notion of “running-the-run” which is a faster version of walk-the-walk. “Talking-the-talk has obviously gotten no candidate anywhere.” says Adelson, owner of Newt-Fortuit, that old but still randy stallion from Georgia. Freiss, owner of Santorum (which by itself sounds like the name of a thoroughbred), is eager to enter the dark horse from Pennsylvania who is so purely conservative some think he was immaculately foaled. After all, he is the youngest of the field and is more apt to receive the benefit of divine intervention given his lifelong purity of purpose.
One problem is getting Mitt-the-Fit to the gate. That high mileage, eternally frisky, fast-talking and directionless self-gelding is backed by a posse of “One-Percenters” from Wall Street to Beaver Creek even though he is rich enough to own himself and make his own decisions. And yet there is no telling which side of the track he’ll end up on given his propensity to drift from one lane to the next.
The other problem is Paul the Revered. This horse is as old as the Revolution. He is practically ready for the glue factory, and yet a certain segment of American youth reveres him because he wants to legalize drugs as part of his libertarian platform. He is not apt to add any drama to the race because as both a libertarian and septuagenarian he will set his own pace and to hell with the Derby stewards. He has no owner, no halter, and no saddle. He is so appallingly individualistic he would run his own race, make his own silver trophy, and award it to himself.
When asked if it would be all right to invite President Obama to participate, the owners of the Republican candidates protested that Obama was not qualified to enter because he had no clearly identified owners other than large aggregates of the American people.

A Confederacy of Dunces?

You would think that the Republican Party would put forth a varsity line-up capable of winning a national election. Alas, they are, shall we say, more democratic than they would like to admit. They have allowed just about anyone to run for the highest office, not just some hand-picked lot screened for basic intelligence, general knowledge about the world, and common sense.
Here are some of the latest fumbles, dropped passes, and fouls by various members of the team:
Gingrich……turns out he was paid between 1.6 and 1.8 million dollars by Freddie Mac, a government-sponsored mortgage company he has criticized;
Bachmann…..still hollering about brain damage from HPV vaccine;
Cain……………doesn’t know Libya from Dubya; catches the brain freeze epidemic apparently running rampant through the team; will have trouble attracting women;
Paul……………wants to make friends with Iran;
Perry………….has a brain freeze about one of the three departments he would eliminate if elected;
At this point the two Mormons, Huntsman and Romney, are looking like the epitome of clear-thinking, grounded, science-based, rational pragmatists, even if their chief religious text is the playful target of a sold-out musical sensation on Broadway.
Ever since the Democratic Party moved right of center under Bill Clinton and started taking huge donations from Wall Street to compete with Big Oil donations to Republicans, the Republican Party has had to move even further to the right in order to seem pure and, well, righteous. Actually knowing something has lost its luster. Gone is nuance. Gone are actual facts. It is all about ideology, theology, and strict interpretation of two documents: the Bible and the Constitution.
Ultimately this orthodoxy will enable an actual political centrist like Romney or Huntsman to overcome their peculiar religious orientation and be accepted as mainstream. The nuts on the current team will make the pair look like disciples of Descartes.
What about Santorum, you may ask. His problem is his name. It sounds like an old potion like Geritol or even worse, a toilet bowl cleaner. It also rhymes with forum, and the country has had enough of political forums like the super-committee where nothing gets done. His name is just too chemical/political sounding.
There is someone else I am missing. Ah, yes. The former governor of New Mexico…what’s his name…Johnson. “Send in Johnson” is hardly a battle cry. It simply does not carry. The country is screwed already. We don’t need any more Johnsoning.
Obama, at this point, could be Alfred E. Newman of “What? Me worry?” fame and still win. There is no contest at this point. Maybe when the dust settles, the GOP selection is made, and the real battle begins, we’ll see some rational distinctions to vote on. Meanwhile, the GOP is providing the best entertainment around, except, of course, for that sold-out Broadway musical called “The Book of Mormon.”