Churchill Downs to Add Race on Derby Day

In an unprecedented move The Kentucky Derby Corporation has announced an addition to this year’s May 5th program: a quarter mile event featuring the Republican candidates for President of the United States.
The idea came about when one of the Derby stewards noticed that candidates “run” for office. Why not see who is actually the most fleet of foot on turf rather than in mouth? He actually meant “of mouth” as in who is the fastest talker but even stewards can make slips of the tongue, not just candidates.
So far two stable owners (or is that unstable owners since the candidates are not really stabled themselves), Sheldon Adelson and Foster Freiss, like the idea and have begun training their candidates in preparation for the big day. They embrace the notion of “running-the-run” which is a faster version of walk-the-walk. “Talking-the-talk has obviously gotten no candidate anywhere.” says Adelson, owner of Newt-Fortuit, that old but still randy stallion from Georgia. Freiss, owner of Santorum (which by itself sounds like the name of a thoroughbred), is eager to enter the dark horse from Pennsylvania who is so purely conservative some think he was immaculately foaled. After all, he is the youngest of the field and is more apt to receive the benefit of divine intervention given his lifelong purity of purpose.
One problem is getting Mitt-the-Fit to the gate. That high mileage, eternally frisky, fast-talking and directionless self-gelding is backed by a posse of “One-Percenters” from Wall Street to Beaver Creek even though he is rich enough to own himself and make his own decisions. And yet there is no telling which side of the track he’ll end up on given his propensity to drift from one lane to the next.
The other problem is Paul the Revered. This horse is as old as the Revolution. He is practically ready for the glue factory, and yet a certain segment of American youth reveres him because he wants to legalize drugs as part of his libertarian platform. He is not apt to add any drama to the race because as both a libertarian and septuagenarian he will set his own pace and to hell with the Derby stewards. He has no owner, no halter, and no saddle. He is so appallingly individualistic he would run his own race, make his own silver trophy, and award it to himself.
When asked if it would be all right to invite President Obama to participate, the owners of the Republican candidates protested that Obama was not qualified to enter because he had no clearly identified owners other than large aggregates of the American people.