Tea Party to Change Name

            In order to start 2013 on fresh footing, the heretofore Tea Party has decided to change its name. Having gone overboard with attacks on taxation of anything and everything, Goodman Norquist has suggested that a new name more in line with the movement’s actual historical precedent would be a fit way to celebrate the New Year. After all, it was at Salem rather than Boston that the witch hunt originated.  Proclaiming socialism as the 21^st Century equivalent of witchcraft, Goody Norquist has called for a refocus on the devil in our midst. Taxation is just a small aspect of the larger evil.

            Since over one million Americans googled the word “socialism” in relation to President Obama in the last year, Norquist hopes to capitalize on this new-found focus and link it to the most prominent witch hunt in America history. The Tea Party will hereafter be called Salem Lights .

 

            Not to be confused with the cigarette by that name, Salem Lights will be symbolized by the incandescent bulb, a  now historical form of lighting that produces a lot of heat, uses a lot of energy, costs the user a great deal more money, and burns out in a couple of years. Any member of Salem Lights will be required to use incandescent bulbs as a matter of principle. After all, it is socialism that has brought us the energy saving fluorescent bulb followed by the LED bulb which stands for Lighting Every Democrat. Who do those socialists think they are imposing energy-saving devices on American patriotic citizens? If the incandescent bulb was good enough for Thomas Jefferson or Thomas Edison or even doubting Thomas, it is good enough for us.

            Norquist is careful not to link the new name to the failed campaign of Senator McCarthy who orchestrated his own quest (or is it quist?) in the early 1950’s to root our communism from American culture.”Communism,” says Norquist, “is not an issue. It is the insidious nature of socialism where people actually help each other. The more fortunate take care to make sure the less fortunate have a chance to succeed. It’s more subtle than communism and less obvious but becoming so pervasive we are almost at a point of no return. Imagine a world where no longer may the rich get richer and the poor be damned. Socialism is deceitful in that it feels so natural and yet we know it is an abomination. So what if Jesus practiced it. There is no mention of socialism in the Bible. Therefore, it is the work of the devil.”

            Now that we have shed some light on what Salem Lights is all about, why not go out and buy a pack of cigarettes by that name and celebrate your new-found freedom from government coercion and re-submit your psyche to the control of private enterprise. After all, isn’t the tobacco industry a more trustworthy repository of goodness than the U.S. government?  Must USA come to mean United Socialists of America?