Mitt Romney: Automobile

            Mitt Romney’s father made cars and ran for president. Mitt, it turns out, IS an automobile. Granted, he is tireless and doesn’t absorb bumps well like most cars, but he does offer a host of features that are remarkable.

            For example, the Mitt does not require you to select a color. It is a mechanical chameleon capable of changing colors as it goes. If you are feeling bright and sunny and want to project warmth, you simply have to reflect that feeling and your new Mitt will turn red or orange depending on whether or not you are in Florida, where oranges are popular or Vermont where the leaves turn bright red in autumn. However, the default color is white to reflect both the slimming but still majority of the U.S. population as well as the aura of innocence and purity.

            Another feature of the Mitt is that it can change direction on a dime. One minute it can be cruising along a route that is straight and narrow and suddenly you find your Mitt making a turn and heading in a direction quite different from the one you expected. It has a kind of creative GPS and route program that shifts without notice but adapts to the environment and circumstances of the moment. In other words, the Mitt may ride hard over bumps but it slithers along reading the landscape and adapting to what it sees as efficiency and expediency. It may run roughshod over lower orders of life such as American workers and big birds, but it does have the capacity to carry caged canines on its roof.

            The Mitt is a handsome car but rather expensive. It requires millions of dollars to keep it running and can only operate on high octane dollars from crude sources. Fortunately, it has a fuel injection system directly into its tank from nearly all the major oil companies, so it never has to worry about running out of fuel.

            You may not have ever heard of a car running for president, but let me remind you that it is not the first machine to run. Back in the 1920s we had a Hoover win an election, and we all know what happened with that result. It really sucked.