The New and Improved Department of Defense

Numerous right wingers have called for the elimination of the federal Department of Education. All right let’s do it. Let’s get rid of it and, instead, put education in the hands of the Department of Defense. Here’s why.

It would kill two birds with one stone. The “birds” the move would kill is the wishy-washy Department of Education that sets standards then gives waivers to any state that requests them. Would the Department of Defense do such a thing? I think not. Noses would be held to the grindstone? You betcha! The other “bird” would be the federal government's tendency to use the Department of Defense to start wars in other people’s back yards and thus leaving a semi-permanent bad taste in the mouths of those who are left to live in those yards. They would now be so challenged by educating American youth they would not have the time or energy to run off to, say Afghanistan or Pakistan to fight another away game. They would be forced to maintain a home schedule.

Now, some would argue that a department whose motto of late is “Don’t ask. Don’t tell” is probably not the one to foster open inquiry or a search for truth, but not to worry. They would have so much money available compared to the old Department of Education, Defense could easily reduce school size to, say, that of a company (max: 190) and class size to that of a squadron (max: 12). There would be no more problems with dress codes, haircuts, child obesity, class-cutting, classroom discipline, or graduation rates. Standards would be upheld, waivers would be non-existent, and attitudes would be positive, or else.

The federal government, through the Department of Defense, in turn, would have to focus on a real enemy instead of having to invent one. That real enemy, of course, is ignorance. Since there is no danger of running low on that omnipresent commodity, we need never worry about lacking a genuine, legitimate target. All of our defense resources could be focused against this enemy with full confidence we are doing the right thing. It’s a win-win situation all around.

The federal government would have to use the Department of Defense, in turn, to focus on the real enemy instead of having to invent one. That real enemy, of course, is ignorance. Since there is no danger of running low on that omnipresent commodity, we need never worry about lacking a genuine, legitimate target. All of our defense resources could be focused on that enemy without ever fearing that the public would get tired and disillusioned and want to withdraw from the fight. Since ignorance, like terrorism, comes in many forms and includes terrorism itself, we can open up our offense full throttle.

Imagine putting the ingenuity of Lockheed-Martin or GE or even Halliburton in the fight against ignorance. Why even they might benefit from seeing ignorance as the enemy and develop better tools and weapons to combat it perhaps even within their own midst once they are able to identify the nature of true ignorance, thanks to the help the Department of Defense will undoubtedly give them.

All in all, it is a great move, one that will save the country, reform our youth, and provide our richest department with a useful opportunity to invest its seemingly unlimited resources. I say, let’s do it. Let’s turn our Department of Defense loose on ourselves instead of on foreign entities and look forward to a better America.