And the Capons Keep Scratching Around*

I have a new, more fitting symbol for the Republican Party. The elephant never was an appropriate mascot for the GOP because the beast is not native to America. You might argue that it is appropriate because the elephant belongs in a zoo or a circus and should not be allowed to run wild in America. I, in turn, would argue that now that the elephant is “in the room” or “on the table,” he is no longer something anyone wants to recognize or discuss. Although the elephant may never forget, what he remembers is some kind of good old days that never existed. His past is a foreign country, not America.
The donkey is a good fit for Democrats. He’s a steady worker, doesn’t lose its cool in adversity, and goes where no mere horse would dare. He helped settle the West. He may be stubborn, but he is able to tackle any terrain with confidence. He sometimes makes an ass of himself, but generally he is dependably dedicated to whatever work needs to be done.
The new symbol I would suggest for the GOP is the capon, a rooster without reproductive capacity. The capon gets fatter and tastier than a rooster, and projects an image of power and stature, but is essentially sterile and impotent. It’s a sort of Baby Huey: large and soft, mostly in the head.
Like the elephant, the capon in sufficient numbers can serve as a roadblock. These are chickens that do not cross the road to get to the other side but make certain nobody gets down the road to progress no matter what. They just sit in the middle of the road to somewhere better and squawk about how the Democrats are on the road to damnation when, in fact, the road is clearly one to real progress.
These capons are a cross between Chicken Little and Foghorn Leghorn: they cackle about socialism or whatever ism other than capitalism lurks in their nightmares, but are too paralyzed by the dead weight of their own convictions to move. They stay their course to nowhere, never offering any direction that does not loop back to where it started or put resources where they are least needed.
The capon is also fitting because it is almost entirely white meat. As an example, just look at Mitch McConnell. Doesn’t he look like a capon? And doesn’t Mitch kind of talk like one would talk if it could? Yes, I know, Rush Limbaugh looks much more like a capon than does Mitch McConnell. Still, can’t you envision the whole Republican caucus with their hands in their pockets scratching around some barnyard looking for a grain of truth among the scattered kernels of their philosophy? Mostly their philosophy is only so much cracked corn.
Let’s go with the capon. It is a new face on an old image, but a more appropriate one for these modern times.
* not to be confused with: "And the Caissons Keep Marching Along"